The Waiting

I'm sitting in the uncomfortable waiting room chair, head bowed.

Waiting.

Praying.

Anxious.

The nurse calls me back and asks me to step on the scale. My mind is racing:

"What if this is the thing? What if this scale is the key to why we're not getting pregnant?"

I can't look at the number on the scale. It sends me into a tailspin every time, and I'm convinced anxiety adds 10 pounds so I just refrain from looking. The nurse says nothing and I toy with the idea of begging her to tell give me a sign that I passed this first test and I don't have to worry. I want her to tell me everything is okay.

But I keep quiet.

Down the hall, to the exam room, we go. Once I'm seated, the questions start. The questions I dread answering, the questions that can usually be answered "yes" or "no" but I feel I have to go into much more detail on because there are so many emotions wrapped up in these answers:

"Are you pregnant?"

"No, ma'am, but I'd like to be! My husband and I got married in September and we are trying to get pregnant. I was on birth control but I got off about 5 months ago and I'm going to be 34 so I need to get checked...I mean I want to get checked...."

On and on I go, while the nurse listens to my every word: my rambling is nothing new to her but she humors me and lets me go on until I awkwardly stop and say "I'm so sorry. I just came here because I want to know if I'm okay....I just want to know if we're going to be okay....if we're going to be able to have a baby...."

She smiles. "It's okay. The doctor will be in shortly and she will answer all your questions."

Alone again, I sit with my head bowed.

Waiting.

Praying.

Anxious.

I have so many questions and I feel silly for not knowing the answers. I think I'm healthy, but am I really? I think I'm normal, but am I really? I think my body is ready but is it really? I want a timeline, I want definitive answers. I want to know the intricate workings of my body. I want a plan. 

I start blaming myself. It's hard for me not to. What if it's me? What if it's those diet pills I took in college or what if that birth control I took that gave me 2 periods a month messed me up before I went to my doctor and got a better brand? What if I'm overweight? What if it's too much caffeine? Or pizza? I'm ashamed that I don't understand my own body.

Why doesn't anyone tell you how hard this is? Why doesn't anyone talk about this part?!

I wish I could tell you I left the doctor with answers that day. I didn't. I wish I could tell you I have it all figured out now. I don't. I was told to keep waiting, keep trying, keep doing what we're doing. I was told it could take a year. I was told it could be next month. It's a process, the doctor said. 

We are in the middle. We are in the waiting. This is my least favorite part. Patience is not one of my defining characteristics, hell I called almost everyday to try to move up this doctor's appointment! I am a "get things done" kind of girl; a doer, a mover, a shaker....I want to be a baby maker. And I have to wait. I struggle with the middle. I struggle with the waiting. But what other choice do I have? I have no control over this. So here I sit, in the metaphorical waiting room of this season of my life and I'm praying: I'm praying Kyle and I will be parents this year. I'm praying I will see that ginger I love so much hold our child, who will hopefully have his hair and my Grandma's blue eyes. I'm praying to feel kicks in my belly, to hear a heartbeat, to love our baby and watch them grow. I know when the day comes, we will be ready, we will be blissfully tired and we will be so full of joy. But, for now, the difficult task of patience. For now, the difficult task of grace. For now, we are waiting, praying, anxious. For now, we are in the middle. 

Parenthood is already teaching me so much, and I'm not even pregnant yet. 

Audible Books for the Weary Commuter

This is not just a post for the weary commuter, but a weary commuter I am and I would swerve off the road from boredom if not for my Audible subscription. It costs $14.95 per month but you can't put a price tag on the happiness it brings me on those cold, dark early morning drives.

(This is not a sponsored post either. Let's face it: I'm not cool enough to have sponsored posts.)

If you are not a weary commuter but you enjoy audio books this is also a good post for you. If you like to curl up with a book, a cup of coffee and a blanket this can also be applicable.

HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY "COMMUTER" IN A BLOG POST?

COMMUTER.

I'M DONE.

I obviously recommend Harry Potter, but you will not find it on this list. It's the obvious choice. These are some books that surprised and delighted me. Some are books I didn't expect to love, some are books I have loved for years.

Here are some of my favorites:

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Bear Town by Fredrik Backman

This is one of the best books I've ever read. (or listened to) The story is heartbreaking, yet hopeful and the writing is absolutely incredible. Backman's attention to detail and character development is incredible. The narrator, Marin Ireland, does an excellent performance and keeps you engaged the whole way through. If you liked "Friday Night Lights" (the book, movie or TV show) you will love this book. There are curse words and some difficult parts in this book, but you will laugh, cry and be enraged all at the same time. I love every single bit of it.

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Yes, Please by Amy Poehler

The first thing you need to know about this audio book is that Amy reads it. That in itself is enough to pick it up immediantly. It's a collection of essays about Amy's life, career and lessons she's learned along the way. The book is funny and heartfelt but when read in Amy's bubbly, funny and dynamic voice it just can't help but be one of your new favorites. While we drove those many miles together during my commutes I felt like Amy was sitting in the passenger seat chatting with me. She talks about love, life, ah-ha moments, embarrassing moments, Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey, Parks and Recreation and motherhood. It will make you love Amy so much more than you already do.

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I Liked My Life by Abby Fabiaschi

I didn't expect to like this book as much as I did, if I'm being honest. It hit pretty close to home for me, having just lost Kyle's brother Jake a year and a half ago. It's about a stay at home mom who seems to have it all: she's good at everything she tries, she has a handsome husband and a beautiful daughter. Then, one day she commits suicide. The book chronicles the after effects of her death: how it changes her husband, daughter and her friends. It's hauntingly beautiful with a very interesting ending. There are 3 narrators, which helped me get into the characters and there is incredible attention to detail in the writing. It will definitely surprise you in a good way.

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All the Ugly and Wonderful Things by Bryn Greenwood

I want to start by saying that I do not recommend this book if you have a sensitive stomach because this book holds nothing back. It's an unlikely love story but deals with some difficult topics that are not for the faint of heart. The main character in the book, Wavy, is a fighter who overcomes incredible odds and she will both inspire you and break your heart. Bryn Greenwood is a fantastic writer who will keep you both on the edge of your seat and have you seconds from turning the book off because you can't handle any more pain. I just loved this book.

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Yellow Crocus by Laila Ibrahim

Another book that surprised and delighted me. The Yellow Crocus is about the bond between a wet nurse and the girl she cares for. It's set in the South during slavery and the love between the two transcends the era and makes you cheer loudly when you're driving in the car in traffic. It's a book about courage, loyalty and love. I got so emotionally invested in this one that when it ended I was incredibly sad.

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The Good Girl by Mary Kubica

If you know me, you know I love a good thriller. And, if you know me, you know I am notorious for figuring out the ending to a good thriller before anyone else. This book threw me for a loop....as in...I DID NOT SEE THE ENDING COMING. It was that good. This book is narrated by 3-4 different people and it will have you hooked only a few pages in. After this book I got my hands on anything and everything Mary Kubica wrote but this one is by far my favorite.

Other authors I recommend: Ruth Ware and Paula Hawkins. I've listened to most of their books on Audible and haven't been disappointed yet. I'm always looking for recommendations on good Audible books so send me some of your favorites!

I hope this list helps you, weary commuter, as you brave the perils of traffic, early mornings and long drives. May the force and cell phone service be with you.